If I were an Evil Overlord...

I got these from a friend, and they're quite possibly awesome. They're a bunch of things that Evil Overlords overlook, which usually lead to their defeat/demise by the end of the movie/book/comic.

So, here are the things I would do if I were an Evil Overlord, to ensure that my empire would outlast the ages:


-My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl through.

-I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to demonstrate how evil I am. Loyal service should be rewarded... Which is how it becomes "loyal" service in the first place. And besides, honest messengers are hard to come by when you are in the Evil Overlord business.

-I will never utter the sentence "Before I kill you, you should know…"

-I will never turn into a giant snake, no matter how much I might want to, because it never helps.

-If my Trusted Lieutenant tells me that my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him... After all, he is my Trusted Lieutenant.

-If any of my advisors ever says to me "My lord, he is but one man, and what can one man possibly do?" I will reply "This.", and then shoot him.

-I will not have a son. Although his eventual and surely laughable plan to overthrow me will fail, it could provide a fatal distraction at a crucial moment.

-I will not have a daughter. Although she would certainly be as evil as she is beautiful, once she sees the hero's rugged good looks, she will no doubt betray me to him.

-The entrance to my stronghold will have doors that are normal sized. While twenty-foot tall doors do impress the masses, they are difficult to close quickly in an emergency.

-If I am forced to make my escape, I will not pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner before leaving.

-Shooting is not "too good" for my enemies.

-No matter how tempted I am by the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field that is larger than my head.

-When I capture the hero, I will also make sure to capture his pet ferret, dog, monkey, or whatever other sickeningly cute pet animal that is capable of untying ropes, fetching keys, etc that happens to be following him around.

-If one of my enemies says, "Look, before you kill us, will you at least tell us what this is all about?" I will say "No." And then I will shoot them.

-My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.

-My Legions of Terror will be trained to dogpile hand-to-hand opponents, rather than attacking them in ones and twos while the rest stand around waiting their turn.

-No matter how much I desire vengeance, I will never issue the order, "Leave him! He's mine!"

-Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I will design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.

-If I come into possession of an artifact that can be used only by the pure-of-heart, I will not, repeat,will NOT, attempt to use it nonetheless.

-When it is prophesized that "no man will defeat me", I will keep in mind the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in the world today.

-My Legions of Terror will be trained so that if they burst into rebel headquarters and find it empty except for a strange, blinking device, they will not approach it to investigate. Rather they will run like hell.

-If my mad scientist tells me that my superweapon is almost finished, but requires more testing, I will wait for him to complete the testing. No one ever conquered the world by using a beta-version.

-My force field generators will be located inside the force field they generate.

-The interior decor of my fortress will not feature pointy objects I could be impaled upon if I'm knocked off balance and stumble backwards during a fight.

-Once my power is secure, I will destroy any pesky time machines that might be at hand.

-All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

-When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

-If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

-If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

-My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

-The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

-I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.