Facebook Status...es

For you Facebookers, you know that you have a "Facebook status" that you can use to let people know what you're up to or what you're thinking. But, as you know, there are those statuses that simply become so repetitive and irritating that you want to throttle the people who post them. Because of this, I wrote a note (on Facebook. Where else?) that outlined what I thought should be the "untouchable statuses."
Now, remember, I wrote this as a SATIRE. I'm not being totally serious here. Apparently, some people didn't get that, and my note comment area has become something of an intellectual battleground.
But hey, I thought it was pretty funny, so I thought I'd grace the masses with my wit and humor.
Please, don't thank me. It's for the kids, really.




The Facebook status feature is pretty darn fun, in my humble opinion. It's a magical place in which simpletons like myself get a stage to attempt to show off our witty humor (and often fail horribly). HOWEVER, there are a few things that show up on this stage that deserve to be booed off with all haste: status updates that are annoying and/or completely unnecessary. Here's a list of status ideas that both I and my crack team of fellow Facebookers find to be the worst of the crop:

-USING YOUR STATUS AS A RELATIONSHIP BATTLEGROUND. Look, friendships and relationships can go sour now and again, but listing the offender's faults and secrets on your status only makes you come across as a bitter person. Not very productive...

-SONG LYRICS. They can be poetic at times; that's why they wrote them. But posting them does nothing but confuse the poor innocent souls that then have to both interpret them and figure out why the heck you'd post them. They may have significance to yourself: keep it that way.

-COMPLAINING THAT YOU'RE UP TOO LATE. We get it, you're a party animal. "Suzie Q is surprised that she's up at 2 am" isn't impressing anyone. If you're so worried about being up, why not sleep? Remember sleep? He's a good old friend...

-PUTING "IS..." AS YOUR STATUS. You may be trying to be insightful or mystic when you write this. You aren't and you're not. This got old a few weeks after Facebook first came around (circa 2004). However, this is forgivable if you're updating by phone and it freaks out on you. Hey, it happens.

-LETTING EVERYONE KNOW HOW AWESOME YOUR GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND IS. You know what? I bet they ARE the greatest friend in the world, and I'm sure you love them for buying you ice cream last Thursday. But when you love the "best bf ever," tell THEM that. They won't roll their eyes at it (I hope).

-USING YOUR STATUS FOR POLITICS. We know Obama won, Liberals. And we know that he screws up, Conservatives. And NOBODY cares about Ralph Nader (that means YOU, Ralph). If you want to sling some mud or demonize a public figure, keep it off the status. That's what blogs are for.

-COMPLAINING THAT YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING/DOING HOMEWORK. So you're a slacker, huh? Well, why not tell the whole world? Telling us that you're putting off that 12-page biology paper to be on Facebook doesn't make you look like a rebel; it makes you look like a procrastinator. And while I can appreciate procrastination as much as the next guy, please, keep your sluffing news to yourself.

-EXCESSIVE EMOTICONS. Sometimes text-based communication doesn't get the feeling of a statement across, and you need to put a small emoticon in to get the point right. :), :D, and even :( are okay now and again, but "Mark had a wonderful day!!! :D:D!!! But has work tomorrow :,(!!!" can make anyone want to step on a kitten.

-DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA. Your friend Jenny doesn't want to hang out on Friday, and you didn't get asked to Homecoming. I feel for ya, but don't be a martyr. If you're looking for pity points, Facebook isn't the place to get 'em.

And last, but most definitely not least:

-OVERDO THE ALL-POWERFUL EXCLAMATION MARK (!). Hey, it's a crazy world, and we're all pretty passionate people, right? But putting an "!" after every sentence (or multiple "!", for that matter) only makes you look like you're begging for attention. We know you're life's important, but don't make it sound like you're making an infomercial sales pitch.

100 Posts!

I'm at 100 Posts!



Pretty dang awesome, huh? I remember starting this blog because I missed writing columns for the paper, and I thought it would be refreshing to do that every now and again. It's been a wild ride, and I hope to keep this up for a while longer (at least until I leave for my mission). I hope I've been at least a bit entertaining, and if I haven't... well, tough beans.
I'll try to update more often.
Here's to another 100 posts!
Cheers.
Mark.

What the...?

I've been places and seen stuff, people. Stupid stuff. Add this and the fact that I have a camera phone (aleibt not a very good one), and you've got yourself a blog post. When I see something in life that makes me ask "What the...?" (see title), then I usually like to get a picture of it. These are some of my favorites. 

Elvis lives, huh? Then why does it have his DEATH DATE?

I don't wanna know what recipies call for this.

Wow. In case you didn't know, the "real" movie is "The Day the Earth Stood Still." This is one of those cheap knock-offs. Made me laugh. 

Aren't ripe bananas yellow?...

It's like they didn't even try.

This is what I call a "suicide inducer."

I think that card catergories are being a little too specialized.

One is a children's classic. The other is a sad attempt to make a few bucks. Try to guess.

I saw this poster at Wal-Mart's Men's section. This is THE definition of panzy.

A guy with a club beating a bear on the cover of a French book. What the...?

More Useless Garbage!

You all know that I'm the King of Useless Information, right? And as your king, I willingly distribute my wealth of useless facts to the peasantry with grace and dignity. So, to keep my popular public image, I should probably dish out a few more, huh? Here's some more facts for the huddled masses (you).

-Approximately sixty circus performers have been shot from cannons. At last report, thirty-one of these have been killed.
-Calvin and Hobbes: Hobbes originally had pads on his hands and feet but Bill Waterson (the creator) found them too distracting and removed them.
-In the name of art, Chris Burden arranged to be shot by a friend while another person photographed the event. He sold the series of pictures to an art dealer. He made $1750 on the deal, but his hospital bill was $84,000.
-In Britain’s House of Commons, the government and opposition sides of the House are separated by two red lines. The distance between the lines is two swords’ lengths, a reminder of just how seriously the Brits used to take their politics.
-The numbers on opposite sides of a die always add up to 7.
-If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan project (where they made the atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in Albuquerque.
-The St. Louis Gateway Arch had a projected death toll while it was being built. No one died.
-The Chinese national anthem is called "The March of Volunteers."
-Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel.
-According to Dennis Changon, spokesman for the International Civil Aviation Organization in Montreal, Canada - if all of the commercial planes in the world were grounded at the same time there wouldn't be space to park them all at gates.
-Jane Barbie was the woman who did the voice recordings for the Bell System.
-Before settling on the name of Tiny Tim for his character in "A Christmas Carol", three other alliterative names were considered by Charles Dickens. They were: Little Larry, Puny Pete and Small Sam.
-Mario, of Super Mario Bros. fame, appeared in the 1981 arcade game, Donkey Kong. His original name was Jumpman, but was changed to Mario to honor the Nintendo of America's landlord, Mario Segali.
-The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
-A "hairbreadth away" is 1/48 of an inch.
-On dry, windy days, pollen can travel up to 500 miles.

Well, there ya have it. Let me know if you want more in the future. Thank you, loyal subjects.