Facebook Status...es

For you Facebookers, you know that you have a "Facebook status" that you can use to let people know what you're up to or what you're thinking. But, as you know, there are those statuses that simply become so repetitive and irritating that you want to throttle the people who post them. Because of this, I wrote a note (on Facebook. Where else?) that outlined what I thought should be the "untouchable statuses."
Now, remember, I wrote this as a SATIRE. I'm not being totally serious here. Apparently, some people didn't get that, and my note comment area has become something of an intellectual battleground.
But hey, I thought it was pretty funny, so I thought I'd grace the masses with my wit and humor.
Please, don't thank me. It's for the kids, really.




The Facebook status feature is pretty darn fun, in my humble opinion. It's a magical place in which simpletons like myself get a stage to attempt to show off our witty humor (and often fail horribly). HOWEVER, there are a few things that show up on this stage that deserve to be booed off with all haste: status updates that are annoying and/or completely unnecessary. Here's a list of status ideas that both I and my crack team of fellow Facebookers find to be the worst of the crop:

-USING YOUR STATUS AS A RELATIONSHIP BATTLEGROUND. Look, friendships and relationships can go sour now and again, but listing the offender's faults and secrets on your status only makes you come across as a bitter person. Not very productive...

-SONG LYRICS. They can be poetic at times; that's why they wrote them. But posting them does nothing but confuse the poor innocent souls that then have to both interpret them and figure out why the heck you'd post them. They may have significance to yourself: keep it that way.

-COMPLAINING THAT YOU'RE UP TOO LATE. We get it, you're a party animal. "Suzie Q is surprised that she's up at 2 am" isn't impressing anyone. If you're so worried about being up, why not sleep? Remember sleep? He's a good old friend...

-PUTING "IS..." AS YOUR STATUS. You may be trying to be insightful or mystic when you write this. You aren't and you're not. This got old a few weeks after Facebook first came around (circa 2004). However, this is forgivable if you're updating by phone and it freaks out on you. Hey, it happens.

-LETTING EVERYONE KNOW HOW AWESOME YOUR GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND IS. You know what? I bet they ARE the greatest friend in the world, and I'm sure you love them for buying you ice cream last Thursday. But when you love the "best bf ever," tell THEM that. They won't roll their eyes at it (I hope).

-USING YOUR STATUS FOR POLITICS. We know Obama won, Liberals. And we know that he screws up, Conservatives. And NOBODY cares about Ralph Nader (that means YOU, Ralph). If you want to sling some mud or demonize a public figure, keep it off the status. That's what blogs are for.

-COMPLAINING THAT YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING/DOING HOMEWORK. So you're a slacker, huh? Well, why not tell the whole world? Telling us that you're putting off that 12-page biology paper to be on Facebook doesn't make you look like a rebel; it makes you look like a procrastinator. And while I can appreciate procrastination as much as the next guy, please, keep your sluffing news to yourself.

-EXCESSIVE EMOTICONS. Sometimes text-based communication doesn't get the feeling of a statement across, and you need to put a small emoticon in to get the point right. :), :D, and even :( are okay now and again, but "Mark had a wonderful day!!! :D:D!!! But has work tomorrow :,(!!!" can make anyone want to step on a kitten.

-DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA. Your friend Jenny doesn't want to hang out on Friday, and you didn't get asked to Homecoming. I feel for ya, but don't be a martyr. If you're looking for pity points, Facebook isn't the place to get 'em.

And last, but most definitely not least:

-OVERDO THE ALL-POWERFUL EXCLAMATION MARK (!). Hey, it's a crazy world, and we're all pretty passionate people, right? But putting an "!" after every sentence (or multiple "!", for that matter) only makes you look like you're begging for attention. We know you're life's important, but don't make it sound like you're making an infomercial sales pitch.